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I had scheduled 2015 to be the year of me, the year I turned forty, which when I actually see this in black and white seems rather selfish. 

My dream was to get a little sports car, get married and have a honeymoon in New York or in fact team the wedding and honeymoon together in NYC. This is all before I knew baby two, Luke, was making an appearance.

For nearly four years, I had put off having baby number two, making every excuse under the sun not to. The reason I did this was simple.

I was scared, no petrified that I would loose myself again. Here’s my frank tale of my own personal experience. 

Following the birth of my gorgeous little girl Emily, I felt bereft. Actually thinking back, it started to happen during my pregnancy.  I didn’t know who I was and how to be.

I mean, who in their right mind launches a new business just four weeks before the birth of their first child? Who works at their own event just six days before the birth humping boxes and putting up rails? Me, that’s who. I wasn’t in my right mind and I should have listened to the alarm bells already sounding.

I was used to being a fabulous partner, daughter, granddaughter, niece, friend and health & safety manager but then a new title of mummy was bestowed on me. It’s the one I’d always dreamed of having (although I felt I didn’t deserve it) but in reality as I looked in the mirror I ONLY saw mummy, I no longer saw ‘Suzanne’ a person whom I actually quite liked.Suzanne at 36 weeks pregnant (1)

Physically, my pregnancy was near on perfect, yes I got a bit tired and needed to take a week off work, but that’s by-the-by. But emotionally, it was a different story. My constant love/hate relationship with my body reared it’s ugly head when I didn’t get the ‘perfect bump’ – the one that is portrayed in all of the pregnancy magazines. Mine was a ‘B’ shaped bump so immediately I thought I’d done something wrong. What the heck could I have done?

I vomited at the ward visit to the RVI when they did a show and tell of all of the instruments that ‘may’ be used in birth. Who in their right mind wants to see them?

I stuck my head in the sand when it came to possible complications that could arise and read nothing. I liked the bubble I was in and I wasn’t going to do anything to burst it.

Then there was the the labour. I sounded (apparently) like a screaming banshee and 39 hours and a hideous forceps delivery later, little Emily Elizabeth was born. Nicola was with me from the start of contractions. I insisted on going for a cuppa in the tea room on Belle Vue bank, Low Fell; when I literally stood up at the start of each contraction, she insisted on me going to get a tens machine. Richard took over and had to watch his usually very composed financee, change into a gibbering wreck.

I won’t go into the whole saga of the birth but here are a couple of snippets…

I was so drugged up (something I didn’t expect to happen) that I didn’t realise I had a team of people behind me when the epidural had not been administered correctly. I was then prepped for theatre as I got so tired that I was no use to anyone, and as my waters had been broken for me, I really didn’t have any other option.

At this point I hit an all time low. I did not want to go to theatre.

After the birth of Emily, our daughter was passed to Richard and a lovely photo was taken, but there wasn’t one taken of Emily and I, or the three of us. I can’t remember if this was because I requested it or ‘just because,’ but instead of having a beautiful picture of the three of us on that day, I have memories of being scared and alone.

I sustained a double prolapse from over exuberant pushing and I went through two years of physio to help.  To this day I’m still not right, Pilates is finally helping but I still may decide on reconstruction.

But the pain of the day. Beautiful Emily was born with Erbs Palsy and was my little tea pot. I felt guilty, viewing it as my fault being so stubborn and not accepting a C-section, I put my baby through this and how dare I do that?

And breathe. I’ll take a break and get part two finished very soon.

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

charlotte tilsbury make up

Charlotte Tilbury has worked hard to produce a make up range that women will love.

As a makeup artist immersed in the fashion and beauty industry for over 20 years she is always determined to look her best. And boy does she have some competition! Working in fashion must place an extra pressure to look great all the time.

Ladies, we all know the power of make-up. A late night, little sleep or stress can play havoc with our complexion, but the right make up can make up can still make us feel like super stars.

You only turn 40 once, and me and Suzanne have always loved the ‘getting ready’ bit of a night out as much as the actual event itself (who doesn’t love sitting with their best friend, chatting and sipping on a glass of fizz or two?).

We’d lusted over the Charlottle Tilbury range for many a month, so trialling these fab four items was the perfect start to Suzanne’s very special birthday.

Here’s what we thought.

Suzanne and Nicola x

Luxury Palette the Vintage Vamp

Colour-Coded Eyeshadows, £38.00

The blurb: “The Vintage Vamp, dresses for yourself but can’t help intoxicating others with just a glance. Your palette is deep and intense and you adore the richest, most beguiling colours from captivating crimsons to sumptuous rose golds. A veritable modern day Lauren Bacall, Louisa Brooks or Daisy Buchanan, with an obsession for all things antique gold and vintage treasures.

Each eyeshadow palette contains four harmonious colour ways that offer a complete ‘desk to disco’ eye colour wardrobe and an easy to use application ritual that is fail-safe to follow.”

What we thought:

Suz – Fabulously packaged. Needed some advice on how to get the desired look so  we used the online video tutorial . Lasted all day and night. Great staying power.

K.I.S.S.I.N.G Bitch Perfect

Fallen From The Lipstick Tree, £23.00

The blurb: “Enriched with a breakthrough, secret ingredient, the Lipstick Tree, an anti-oxidant that naturally protects lips from UV damage and external pollution leaving them cashmere soft and irresistible. Blended with special waxes and clever light-diffusing pigments for pert, full-bodied, ultra-brilliant lips that ensure you leave a lasting impression.

Paraben free, The Lip Stick Tree protects lips from UV damage and fighting oxidative stress and contains light-diffusing pigments that give lips a brilliant, luminous, multi-dimensional finish. The blend of waxes means this lipstick glides over the contours of your lips.”

What we thought:

Nic – I loved it so much, I bought another one so we didn’t have to share. That says it all!

Suz- You know that moment when you take your lipstick bullet out of your bag and hope that the woman next to you notices and wonders what that thing of beauty is? This lipstick has all the allure, of a luxury brand, glides on well and lasts.

Magic Foundation, shade 3

Flawless, Poreless, Long-Lasting Coverage, SPF15 £29.50

The blurb: “Magic Foundation is a miracle in a bottle that transforms skin for all ages, skin tones and skin types. It has a  “hyper-intelligent” formula that gives full-coverage yet feels completely weightless, with all the anti-ageing and protective benefits of a luxury skin cream. It conceals imperfections, glides on like a dream, and literally feels like a second skin. Whether your skin needs just a bit of perfecting, or you struggle with a frustrating issue like acne, melasma or rosacea, the Magic Foundation will give you a perfect looking skin day, every day!”

What we thought:

Suz- I used the online foundation finder  tool to establish my correct shading. Shade three is a neutral beige meant for light skin tones with cool undertones, and my shade of choice as it describes me accurately. It’s recommended that the foundation is applied with the ‘Magic Complexion Brush’ but it has a price tag of £45 so on this occasion it was finger tips.

Sofa Stories wearing Charlotte Tilsbury

Rock ‘n’ Kohl Bedroom Black

Iconic Liquid Eyeliner Pencil, £19.00

The blurb: “A revolutionary, no-nonsense liquid-eye pencil: it has the silky smooth glide of a liquid liner with the soft, sooty, pigment-rich result of a kohl. ROCK ‘N’ KOHL melts onto your skin for an easy, 1-slick line that blends then sets. It stays put for 14 hours, is waterproof, paraben and preservative free and contains crushed pearl powder, known to stimulate collagen production.”

What we thought…

Nic – Honestly, this is simply one of the best eyeliners, if not THE best, that I have ever used. It went on so easily that it actually freaked me out. After 25 years of warming kohl eyeliners up (normally by breathing on them) I couldn’t get used to how easy this was to use. And it’s so black! It’s definitely a night out eyeliner, I couldn’t rock it for work.

There’s no doubt that this product is now my go-to eyeliner. It is worth every penny and I’m on a mission to get the rest of the range. Fabulous.

Suz – I am a relative novice when it comes to eyeliner application as I’ve always been put off by Nicola breathing onto liners to make their application easier! When I saw how easy the application was I gave it a go. The shade is a little too black for me for everyday use, but it complimented the black and brooding leather look we were both rocking for our girlie birthday day.

What we can we say? We’re Charlotte Tilbury converts and now, loyal fans.